Projection and the humility that improves every conversation

Dear Leader,

I thought about our conversation this weekend after working in the wood shop with my wife. You told me through clenched teeth that one of your employees "just doesn't care, he's lazy and all he wants to do is get done as quickly as possible." You also said that you had talked to him extensively and that you had been very direct, "but he never listens." I have overheard some of these conversations and I believe that you are experiencing the results of a trap similar to that which I stepped into this weekend.

My wife was making a bee box and was pressed for time. So, she requested my help. At one point, I was measuring to facilitate another cut. My wife wrote as I rattled off "31 and 1/8 plus two boards of 15/16 but remember we are cutting out a 1/2" rabbet on each side too." My wife, tossed down her pencil in frustration. "Oh", I said, "you're no good at math", as I foisted a stereotype onto my wife. "Fine! You do it!" she snapped as she shut down the conversation.

As I reflected later, I realized that what I really had done was to make a statement about my wife's identity. I stated "You ARE no good at math". Occasionally, I have even heard her say so herself. But, when I said it, I was met with defensive vitriol. I really had to consider the dynamic here. Do I really believe that about her? Well, if I am to be transparent, I would say that I probably DO. And, if I had to defend myself, I would say that I was merely being honest. But the next question would be "Is that REALLY true about her?"

My mistake here is that I think that what I think is true. Let me rephrase that. I project my perception onto those around me as though it were an obvious truth. And, do you know how others react when I do that? They get defensive and shut down, turning what I thought was a conversation into a combat exercise. This is how the plain talk to your employee is being received, as an attack.

Psychologists call it epistemic arrogance, when I make an assumption regarding someone's intention or identity and then speak as though my assumption is true. It is a behavior that will tempt almost anyone into combat. And, when we do this with employees, we convert what should be a cooperative relationship into an adversarial one. One where quiet resentment morphs into silent sabotage. A place where the least of your problems is that they clam up. But this isn't just about you, it's about your employee too. Do you think he wants to work in a place where his boss makes these arrogant remarks?

Of course he doesn't, and who would? But let's keep the focus on what we can change, you. I want you to consider how this behavior is exacerbating and possibly creating problems with your employees.

Let's start with an exercise. Write down a list of all of the statements about this employee that you think are true in your most plain, and forthright manner. As an example, I will use one statement you have spoken aloud to me.

"He just doesn't care about the company."

Next, rewrite it in a more honest manner that does not pretend that you know more than you do. Concentrate on what you KNOW to be fact.

"When he hurries his last service of the day and makes mistakes in the process, it makes me think that he does not care about the company's reputation with its clients."

Do that with each of the statements you created.

When you start to frame these perceptions into this more tentative form, you have the opportunity to add accuracy by noting the facts and your perception of them. Then, we can use this statement to open dialogue with your employee about his actions. Our goal is to open the door to honest communication, avoid the defense and start to address real challenges directly. We can likely turn the "He never listens" theme into something that allows you to set more appropriate boundaries and encourage more complete participation from him. With my wife, I move from applying a stereotype to curiosity. An attempt to discover the root of the frustration and address it directly. In my case, it was merely a matter of giving her time to write down the numbers. In your case, moving to a less combative approach will keep the conversation open, allowing you to discover the root cause of what you are experiencing. This small change to your communication will transform how you are received. You will avoid the trap that shuts people down and instead clear the way for trust through plain and clear talk.

Park Wiker

P.S. “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung

Necessary yet uncomfortable

Dear Leader,

I have repetitively watched you permit both your business partner's rudeness and an employee performance problem in silence. But in private you are not so silent, much like my friend Kristin. Kristin is the general manager at a small business and has grown through the ranks during her 10 years at the company. She and her husband joined us at dinner where she told us a story about how her company had needed a new salesperson. Even though the new salesperson would be a subordinate of Kristin, the owner made the hire with little input.

The owner then came to her to have the new guy set up for payroll and benefits. Kristin was so shocked by the salary that she had to repeat it aloud as if to question it. It was confirmed, he was to start nearly 20% higher than her own salary. Noticing the shock on her face, the owner offered "He does have a family." She nodded, silently taking her notes and attending to her duty.

But there was a riot happening inside her mind. Her internal critic questioning her value, highlighting displaced loyalties and the naive stupidity of sacrificing her weekends growing someone else's organization. Every negative thought followed by another even worse.

After hearing her story, it was easy to see why she was upset. Bob wisely kept his head down trying to avoid some friendly fire until finally, there was a silence. We waited to see if there was more. Thankfully, we had allowed her to release the tension safely among friends.

So, I asked, "What did he say when you asked for a raise?" She silently stared at me with eyes that seemed to whisper "Oh, so you're one of them!" I followed up her silent answer with "Why didn't you ask?"

She could only summon reasons similar to yours like "I tried that once and it didn't help." Revealing her fears rather than the truth.

You, like Kristin, are avoiding confrontation regarding the rudeness and poor performance. That in turn is feeding your resentment. The good news is that we can use that emotion to help alert us to the conversations that need to happen. By changing from your current course of silence, we may be able to capture what could be, instead of settling for what is.

Search yourself for the smell of resentment and follow it back to its source. Learn to recognize the conversations you are avoiding. Then, commit to a direct, gentle but firm treatment of them. Imagine the change in your life when you convert even 10% of the disrespect from your partner for example. With regular and consistent work, you could completely invert the toxic part of this relationship. You could gain the respect you need and desperately want.

Park Wiker

P.S. "Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words." – Joyce Brothers

The Dangerous Comfort of Assumptions

Dear Leader

At the end of our strategy meeting the other day I asked a simple question. "What does the customer want?" The silence hung in the air for several seconds as everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seat. You broke the awkward silence by recounting a collection of long held assumptions. I let the moment pass, but it deserves a real answer.

I love that you have regular meetings to check up on your rocks and document progress. But no matter how good our internal communication is, we are still not talking with customers in an intentional way. We avoid the hard work of understanding our customers, choosing instead to draw on ten-year-old survey results and anecdote because "Who has the time?"

But I need you to resist the temptation to be busy with less challenging tasks. The most important thing we do as a business is to provide valuable benefit to a customer profitably. When we lose sight of that, we jeopardize our relevance and thereby our entire purpose.

As an example, I once worked with COBOL programmers. Some of those programmers remained steadfast in their language of choice because "COBOL does everything they need!" Slowly but surely, all of those COBOL programmers lost their jobs because they did not want to put in the effort to satisfy the customer's desire for newer languages.

Let's avoid the COBOL programmer fate in this business. Let's know our customer. Get out of the office and interview them face to face. No, not a survey, not an e-mail, person to person. Ask these two fundamental questions.

"What is the best thing about what we do for you?"

"What does our industry get seriously wrong?"

The first question is different for a prospect or would-be customer. It's more like "What concerns or hesitations come up for you when thinking about working with a company like ours?"

I can hear your pushback already. "I have so much to do, I can't possibly find the time for this!" My response is to read the letter I sent you in the beginning of March (titled "Overwhelmed") and act on it. As the President, what could be more important than how customers experience the company?

These specific questions are designed to reveal the two most important aspects of your customer's perception. First, we find out what they love about what we do. That in turn allows us to double down on the best aspect of our service. Imagine a client who loves the fact that we turn their projects around in one day consistently. Then imagine that client's response when we begin turning them around in 4 hours. That's right, Love becomes Love3.

Secondarily, we discover that irritation or undesirable aspect of our service which we can ensure never occurs in their experience with us. Imagine how we would stand apart from the rest of the industry. And, when you do this regularly and consistently, you will be keeping abreast of the customer's perspective; remaining valuable and relevant.

Lead this effort, it may be your highest value.

Park Wiker

P.S. "Get closer than ever to your customers. So close that you tell them what they need well before they realize it themselves." - Steve Jobs

The hidden cost of a conflict-free workplace

Dear Leader,

You were sitting in the conference room of one of your oldest clients, when you discovered why their business had dropped off so suddenly. Several of the client's employees were having trouble with their email. Techs would be dispatched only to have the problem return moments after they left. This went on for weeks and one day, a rep from a competitor stopped in to drop off a flyer. The owner mentioned the email problem and in 20 minutes, the rep had corrected it. In response, your company had been unceremoniously dropped from the vendor list.

The most disturbing part was that reports of their dissatisfaction had been submitted to several members of your staff. But to you, it was a fresh surprise. So much so that you initially thought it was a misunderstanding on their part. But the pauses and tentative, carefully worded vagaries from your head of sales revealed a truth that was hidden. Most of the staff were aware, not only of this but of a dozen more customers who were likely on the verge of leaving.

The start of these troubles correlates with a shift in leadership that you enacted. Your effort to make things better was backfiring and no one mentioned it. That made the revelation by your ex-customer feel like a brick in your chest as thoughts like "If this is true, then what else don't I know?" ran through your head.

In your effort to create a culture of positivity, you inadvertently produced an echo chamber where negativity and conflict were stamped out. A culture where real problems aren't mentioned and employees simply tell you what you want to hear. The pleasant and easy facade, hiding a painful truth of declining performance and an ignorance of the areas that need improvement. Low conflict means that your plans, strategies and choices are never pressure tested before they are cheerfully implemented.

The fact is that your people know where the problems are. Your challenge will be to encourage them to reveal the truths they have been holding back. But they won't do that if they don't trust you.

Let's get you prepared to have a revelatory meeting with your people. What I need you to do is to re-visit your vision. Make certain that it captures the point of the company and its mission. Then, at the top of your notepad, rewrite the vision.

Next, identify 3 decisions that you have made that could be creating the conditions for a drop off in service and loss of customers. Include your decision to rework leadership roles. Then call your team together and reveal what you learned in your meeting with your most recent ex-client. Contrast the reality to the vision of the company. Then offer how you suspect that you are to blame.

Discuss each of the identified decisions in turn, asking for insight into how they may have caused the problems you now see. There may be an unwillingness to reveal much initially, but you can encourage them. Use questions like "How did this decision cause these problems?" or "How could I have made this decision work out better?"

I once found myself in a similar situation where my people were holding back. At some point I offered a reason for my failure that was clearly not the case; it was over the top. This allowed my people to step in and say "No, that's not quite right." That was the beginning of a more honest view of our situation. You may need to employ something similar.

Confessing your own role in creating this situation will permit staff to admit and correct their mistakes as well. It will also open the door for critical discussions regarding company direction, purpose and especially results. Respectful disagreement and transparency will surface problems early and possibly avoid them altogether. This type of growth in knowledge and trust will translate directly to growing the company.

Park Wiker

P.S. Enemies will reveal truths that your friends never will. - Unknown

Good enough is holding you back

Dear Leader,

When I came in the other day, the early morning sun was glinting off your 67 fastback out front. It's apparent that you built this business because you love cars. Unlike your time at the dealership, customers recognize your caring and in turn they keep coming. You go home at 4:30 every day, make decent money and you're comfortable with the routine, while it lasts.

But, if you want to retire some day, you have to grow the business, and that will require a good mechanic. From a simple numbers perspective, their payroll will put you into the red. I can hear you now, "I might as well go back to working for the man! I'd make more money!"

But if we honestly look at the trend on your net, you're headed there anyway. Your frustration is understandable because you feel that you have only bad choices. Give up money now to hire a guy so that you can chase revenue. All in order to grow enough to recover the income you gave up. Sounds like a lot of work.

So, you default to going home on time with your standard paycheck because it's good enough for now.

But you can see where the default is taking you. For example, remember that fleet manager you were going to call on a month ago? You haven't done it because you have been too busy wrenching. Where do you think this ends?

Your business just dies.

This experience is common among small business owners, so the good thing is that you are not alone. But it is important to identify for yourself that which you would consider success. I am asking you to choose your real and true priority.

Yes, I am going to ask you to write. Write down all that you want. Time to go to car shows? More time working on the classic car rebuilds? The value of the business to be at a certain level so that you can retire? The point is to get all of those partial thoughts out of your head and onto the paper where they can be seen and judged.

Then prioritize your list. Some of those wants and needs will be in direct opposition to one another. For example, if you want more time doing one thing, less time will be spent on something else. Writing it all down will allow you to consciously choose what will be sacrificed and for what. The alternative is to submit to the whim of the universe. Not advisable.

Consciously choosing what you want and what to sacrifice is the path to a real plan. Maybe it's to take up one of the bays with your GTO rebuild or take off to a car show to win some awards. We humans love a plan and progress even more.

Let's choose the discomfort to endure now for progress on your priorities. Let's increase the value of your business to enable more flexibility in retirement, and the freedom to work on cars for the love of it. A plan lets you come to work like you are on a mission. Gaining ground every day.

Park Wiker

P.S. You get to choose your sacrifice, not escape it. - Unknown

Why your tight grip is quietly killing ownership and growth

Dear Leader,

Last week I watched you bristle when you saw an email sent to a customer from your customer service rep. She was informing them of a delay in their order, but you felt that it was conveying incompetence. You confronted her and requested that you get a chance to review these customer updates before they go out. From an outsider's perspective, her action was perfectly appropriate and later you acknowledged it. But your response reveals a fear of something deeper and is emblematic of comments I have heard from your people.

Your people state that you are bottlenecking, second-guessing, hovering and micromanaging decisions. I sense this is not your intent, but it is accurate.

Imagine you decide to save money driving to work by choosing to carpool. During your week to drive, the passenger begins to nitpick. "Change lanes", "Don't take that exit", "Why are you following so close?" If that continues, how long is this carpool relationship going to last?

In your business this means that the capable are driven to escape while simultaneously suppressing your capacity to grow. In the case of the customer service rep, she feels the need to await your input before updating customers on their orders. Emails stack in your mailbox awaiting review. The result is that she is not doing her job, you are. If this pattern is repeating elsewhere, it would explain why growth has been elusive. I also would not be surprised to find that your most capable people brushing up their resumes.

We need to understand what is driving this in you. Grab a piece of paper and write down 3 scenarios where you recently felt you needed to step in for an employee to 'fix things'. For each, ask what negative result you are trying to prevent and the likelihood of it occurring had you not intervened?

Then try this on your customer service rep. Provide her with clear boundaries and expectations of how, when and why to communicate to customers. Include nuances for particular customers and even have some role-play if necessary. The purpose is to teach her. Then release her to do it herself even if that means imperfectly. Follow up on her progress every 10 days or so.

She hasn't had this freedom before, so don't be surprised when the old habits of coming to you return. Don't fall into the temptation to make decisions for her. Instead, walk her through deciding for herself based on the guidelines, boundaries and the company vision.

Teaching her is freeing you. And freeing yourself as the point person for every decision will transform this from a job to a business. A business where the capable exercise their talents. The more you release this tight control over the small things, the more control you will get over what matters.

Park Wiker

P.S. By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning. Lao Tzu

The best changes don't come through force

Dear Leader,

When I was at your office the other day meeting with one of your VPs, you and I had the chance to exchange a greeting. I asked how things were going to which you replied "Well, it looks like I will need to let someone go." Your head dropped. This is the hire you made specifically to disrupt and spark a spirit of innovation regarding the administrative drag on the company. But, even with his high energy, change has stalled, stress is rising and now we have complaints of toxicity.

I have been in this situation personally and now in retrospect, I understand it better. I was the change agent hire. I could be overbearing, questioning things, curiously digging into process and questioning why people were doing the things they were doing. I suggested changes and experiments, but the team put in the least effort possible. I viewed their half-hearted effort as "lazy". They saw me as the guy whose job it was to eliminate theirs. The goal was innovative disruption, but the result was a battle of wills and self preservation.

You are living this reality, gritting your teeth each time the P&L comes out, you question why your change agent is having no effect. You ramp up pressure on him. He pushes harder. The team counters with resistance and complaints of toxicity. This misdirected energy revealing symptoms of misalignment rather than the progress you need.

That misalignment should trigger some questions for you. Have you openly explained the slide of profit into overhead and how that harms the vision of the company? Is the team aware of your goals regarding the change agent? And, have you addressed openly and plainly, their natural fears of losing their jobs?

It's time to call a meeting and start involving the team at a higher level. Be brutally honest. Explain the problem, show the charts and the constant slip of margin and the outsized growth of the administrative costs. Don't hide from what everyone already knows; namely that payroll is the majority of that cost. Help them understand that elimination of positions is not a foregone result of this process and that this is their chance to help develop something better.

Explain briefly what you have tried to do so far and the results the effort. Don't hide from your mistakes. The vulnerability and humility will bring the team closer. Then, bring them in to the solution process, ask what they would do. Given the chance, you will find that staff can be quite innovative.

Too often, we decide to make changes and then try to get buy-in. But we really haven't considered the team. Bringing them along during the development leverages their combined experience and eliminates the need for getting them on board. They own the plan; they've co-created it with you. And now you have a mandate for leading and holding everyone accountable.

Park Wiker

P.S. "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together." — African Proverb

Stop letting one loss compound into a career of quiet defeat

Dear Leader,

Yesterday, you came into the conference room a different person from last month. The easy glide had been replaced by a sullen walk. You flopped into the seat across from me. You explained how the commission structure had changed only days after you landed the company's largest sale. What started as a motivational high, ended abruptly just after the agreement was signed. When I asked why, you snapped "They said the school district sale was too much commission."

Sadly, I have heard this story before. A great incentive plan encourages risks and bold innovative outreach, until it produces an outsized result. Then ownership revises the plan to the detriment of the sales team and inversely to owner benefit. Employees conclude that they are resources to be exploited rather than valued team players.

You should have been protected from this. This is precisely what made you so eager to leave your last position. Your desperation blinded you to the risks. This company told you what you wanted to hear, but you knew there was no contract or agreement regarding commissions. What they had described was a commissions policy. A policy that could change at any time. There were no boundaries to protect your value.

You betrayed the one person counting on you ... you.

It's obvious to me that this is registering as a defeat. Your demeanor is portraying a loss in confidence and enthusiasm. It won't be long before the team is modeling you with lackluster effort thinking "If he doesn't care, why should I?" And, if you let this go, the boss will notice the lack of performance. A condition that will justify the commission schedule change.

The worst effect is to you personally when a loss compounds into a series of losses.

Breaking free of this cycle takes a strong will and opportunistic perspective. You must reject the temptation to give up or give in. Take the most from this defining moment.

One opportunity is to address upper management with regard to changing rules. How lowering employee commissions when they win is perceived as an integrity problem. A problem that translates to lower performance. A conversation that will require accuracy, finesse and firmness. But, to start this series of conversations and presentations you will need to do some research into the revenue numbers and create some compelling projections. Projections that show the good that will come from a bold incentive program and the bad that will come from continuing with the current one. The biggest challenge will be adeptly tying your success to their success.

Another, and perhaps the biggest opportunity for you to prevent a repeat of this scenario. Consider this. Would you sell a car at a variable price chosen by the buyer? Selling your service to an employer should be similar. You have agency to set your limits, price and the terms upon which you are willing to operate.

It's time to set boundaries in the form of written contracts and agreements that describe how your commission schedule works. And while you are developing this, include your team. Show them by example how to maintain their sovereignty and how to negotiate fairly with employers.

This opening doesn't stop with negotiating a more attractive and stable commission schedule for you and your team. It's the opportunity to find that bold and confident leader in you. The leader that brings everyone along with him for wins all around.

But most important is the reinforcement to yourself that you set boundaries because you deserve boundaries. You have earned this.

Park Wiker

P.S. For it is you who know yourself, and what value you set upon yourself, and at what rate you sell yourself. Epictetus

Time to Move On With Purpose

Dear Leader,

In our last 1 on 1, you spoke of quitting. As the door clicked shut, the latest offense from the boss spilled out even before you sat. The tirade continued from one person to another in situations that can only be described as ancient. When I pressed further, you gave no indication that you had interest in mending the relationship with your co-workers or boss. It appears that you have already quit, doing the bare minimum merely to avoid a firing.

This didn't begin just last week. In the lead up to getting this job, you described a mounting financial pressure and your need to take any job you could get. Not getting what you wanted, the miss ate at you each progressing year making you sensitive to every injustice. Resentment developed in you and tainted your attitude.

But it's not them. You sacrificed the dream of working in sports to merely get anything.

The pain of that sacrifice comes back every time your extra work is not recognized or when those workmates you helped don't return the favor. You think "I don't belong here!" But the longer you endure this, the more you wonder if you are even capable of the dream. Every day adds evidence to your worst thoughts about yourself. It doesn't stop inside your head either. Your demeanor has your team referring to you as "the grumpy guy" which is a reputation that will be hard to shake. What started as a mere miss becomes an identity.

But it is not objectively true. It's in your head. What did Henry Ford say? "If you believe you can or if you believe you can't, you are right."

Before you can move toward better, you need to know what better looks like. That calls for some genuine and critical introspection. I am happy to offer you a voucher for my "Future Authoring" program to help you really narrow down what drives you.

For now, I will give you the 3 essential questions to answer for yourself.

• What does your ideal future look like in 3-5 years, including the kind of work, relationships, and impact you want to have on the world?
• What qualities do you admire in others (e.g., leaders, thinkers, or creators), and how do you want those to shape your own path?
• What future scenarios do you want to avoid at all costs, and what personal weaknesses or obstacles might lead you there?

The answers will reveal a motivational aim and from that, we can focus the search for your next gig.

When you find that job that is in alignment with your life's ambition, the payoff is purpose and fulfillment. There is real effort involved, but there will be an ease about you. No longer will those occasional injustices shake you because you'll say "it's worth it." This isn't quitting, this is a plan to move toward something meaningful. This is leading yourself.

Park Wiker

P.S. You should never sacrifice what you could be for what you are. - Jordan Peterson

The Promotion That Turned Your Peers into Subordinates Overnight

Dear Leader,

Through the years, you made friends with your peers and worked seamlessly with them. But your growth turned them into subordinates overnight.

The change became very clear last Friday when you met up with everyone for happy hour. Everything was normal, joking, pranking and witty competition. But then things veered into shop talk and complaints about management came quick and sharp. An awkward hush came over the table as you spoke up in defense about a decision. There was a subtle tone implying that they didn't see the full picture. You were able to dispel the awkwardness, but the realization of the change in your relationship became unmistakable. Everything IS different.

That moment was a glimpse into the conflicting loyalty that will inevitably force your betrayal of either the business or an individual. Your leadership credibility will not survive betrayal. Not a good look for a leader.

Pretending to be a peer when you are not is also sending the wrong message to your people. They will be confused about the relationship. They have difficulty discerning who is 'in charge'. Good friends are rarely on a different level of an authority hierarchy. This arises from the natural conflict of responsibility. You are responsible for their performance and you have the ability to affect their employment, creating a dynamic that is not conducive to friendship.

Acting as though nothing has changed is a recipe for pain with no redemption.

I had an owner tell me once "Oh no Park, you don't understand. It's different with me and my bookkeeper!" Then I watched as the bookkeeper used that friendship to get good employees fired while working less and taking more money. Never held to account, it was the bookkeeper who revealed information about the owner's personal challenges to a business buyer that cost the owner 20% on the sale of his business.

You ARE the "Boss" and you will need to embrace this new role. Think about those conversations over beers with your peers from a year ago. Would you be as dismissive of management's decisions now that it's you? Would you be as supportive of slackers vying for a raise? It's time to release the notion that you will be able to straddle the line between peer and leader. You are in charge.

You can see the progress on the goals you set for yourself. You learned the work, then how to lead a team and now management of the entire process. You now have access to management training, incentive design and hiring. This is the learning and the testing you will need to continue your advancement. Your social circle will be updated and new opportunities will emerge that you would never have had access to before. Embrace this moment of discomfort. As Nietzsche would say, "Amor Fati".

Park Wiker

P.S. Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. - William Shakespeare