Speak Up

Necessary yet uncomfortable

Dear Leader,

I have repetitively watched you permit both your business partner's rudeness and an employee performance problem in silence. But in private you are not so silent, much like my friend Kristin. Kristin is the general manager at a small business and has grown through the ranks during her 10 years at the company. She and her husband joined us at dinner where she told us a story about how her company had needed a new salesperson. Even though the new salesperson would be a subordinate of Kristin, the owner made the hire with little input.

The owner then came to her to have the new guy set up for payroll and benefits. Kristin was so shocked by the salary that she had to repeat it aloud as if to question it. It was confirmed, he was to start nearly 20% higher than her own salary. Noticing the shock on her face, the owner offered "He does have a family." She nodded, silently taking her notes and attending to her duty.

But there was a riot happening inside her mind. Her internal critic questioning her value, highlighting displaced loyalties and the naive stupidity of sacrificing her weekends growing someone else's organization. Every negative thought followed by another even worse.

After hearing her story, it was easy to see why she was upset. Bob wisely kept his head down trying to avoid some friendly fire until finally, there was a silence. We waited to see if there was more. Thankfully, we had allowed her to release the tension safely among friends.

So, I asked, "What did he say when you asked for a raise?" She silently stared at me with eyes that seemed to whisper "Oh, so you're one of them!" I followed up her silent answer with "Why didn't you ask?"

She could only summon reasons similar to yours like "I tried that once and it didn't help." Revealing her fears rather than the truth.

You, like Kristin, are avoiding confrontation regarding the rudeness and poor performance. That in turn is feeding your resentment. The good news is that we can use that emotion to help alert us to the conversations that need to happen. By changing from your current course of silence, we may be able to capture what could be, instead of settling for what is.

Search yourself for the smell of resentment and follow it back to its source. Learn to recognize the conversations you are avoiding. Then, commit to a direct, gentle but firm treatment of them. Imagine the change in your life when you convert even 10% of the disrespect from your partner for example. With regular and consistent work, you could completely invert the toxic part of this relationship. You could gain the respect you need and desperately want.

Park Wiker

P.S. "Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words." – Joyce Brothers