Defend or Learn

Your natural protection mechanisms are killing your communication

Dear Leader,

I have been working with your leadership team to help them become better communicators. But when I witnessed one of them giving you some very appropriate feedback regarding being late to customer meetings, I heard you snap about how employees make you wait too. I watched as the salesperson tried to get back to the core issue only to be met by increasing aggressiveness. He backed down, nodding in agreement. You had won.

But what exactly did you win? I am reminded of an event of my own. After dinner one night, I carried my plate into the kitchen and, noticing the disarray, I said to my wife "Wow, you really have got a mess in here!" Her response was classic. "I did the cooking, Why don't you do the dishes? For once!" She had responded in the manner of a combat veteran. Defend, counter and escalate. It's a natural pattern of response for one who feels attacked. She too intended to win, to which I blindly responded in kind.

The defense of even the most innocuous comment signals a fight. Quickly, this escalates to a loop of defense and counter, derailing useful dialog. But it does more than that. It teaches people that you are not to be approached with difficult or potentially contentious subject matter. And, rather than risk a fight in the future, they keep their mouth shut, making you blind to the most important information.

Your quick wit is one of your biggest strengths. It's that ability to think on your feet, especially in times of crisis that got you to where you are today. But while that works well in competitive situations, it is a liability with those you are leading. So, like Mr. Miyagi, I am going to give you some homework to build a habit that will help you avoid this detrimental behavior.

In every conversation, especially when it begins, I want your first response to be a breath. That's right, be quiet for 3 - 5 seconds before you respond as you purposefully inhale then exhale. No, not just the contentious conversations, EVERY conversation. We want to build this habit of pausing when you are conversing with your leaders. It will seem odd at first, and people may look at you strangely, but it will give you a moment to think about how you want the conversation to produce its most positive result.

Keeping that focus will make every statement more effective. Imagine me employing that strategy with my wife and the messy kitchen. "You know what, you are right. Can we do it together?" Or, consider your salesperson when you took a breath and responded "You are totally right. Being late to that meeting was disrespectful. I will correct it in the future."

You will speak less and more accurately. More importantly you will step out of the defensive loop, making you more approachable and trustworthy. This means that you will obtain more information making your decisions that much better.

Park Wiker

P.S. "Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." – Ambrose Bierce