Is it True...Or Just Arrogance?

Projection and the humility that improves every conversation

Dear Leader,

I thought about our conversation this weekend after working in the wood shop with my wife. You told me through clenched teeth that one of your employees "just doesn't care, he's lazy and all he wants to do is get done as quickly as possible." You also said that you had talked to him extensively and that you had been very direct, "but he never listens." I have overheard some of these conversations and I believe that you are experiencing the results of a trap similar to that which I stepped into this weekend.

My wife was making a bee box and was pressed for time. So, she requested my help. At one point, I was measuring to facilitate another cut. My wife wrote as I rattled off "31 and 1/8 plus two boards of 15/16 but remember we are cutting out a 1/2" rabbet on each side too." My wife, tossed down her pencil in frustration. "Oh", I said, "you're no good at math", as I foisted a stereotype onto my wife. "Fine! You do it!" she snapped as she shut down the conversation.

As I reflected later, I realized that what I really had done was to make a statement about my wife's identity. I stated "You ARE no good at math". Occasionally, I have even heard her say so herself. But, when I said it, I was met with defensive vitriol. I really had to consider the dynamic here. Do I really believe that about her? Well, if I am to be transparent, I would say that I probably DO. And, if I had to defend myself, I would say that I was merely being honest. But the next question would be "Is that REALLY true about her?"

My mistake here is that I think that what I think is true. Let me rephrase that. I project my perception onto those around me as though it were an obvious truth. And, do you know how others react when I do that? They get defensive and shut down, turning what I thought was a conversation into a combat exercise. This is how the plain talk to your employee is being received, as an attack.

Psychologists call it epistemic arrogance, when I make an assumption regarding someone's intention or identity and then speak as though my assumption is true. It is a behavior that will tempt almost anyone into combat. And, when we do this with employees, we convert what should be a cooperative relationship into an adversarial one. One where quiet resentment morphs into silent sabotage. A place where the least of your problems is that they clam up. But this isn't just about you, it's about your employee too. Do you think he wants to work in a place where his boss makes these arrogant remarks?

Of course he doesn't, and who would? But let's keep the focus on what we can change, you. I want you to consider how this behavior is exacerbating and possibly creating problems with your employees.

Let's start with an exercise. Write down a list of all of the statements about this employee that you think are true in your most plain, and forthright manner. As an example, I will use one statement you have spoken aloud to me.

"He just doesn't care about the company."

Next, rewrite it in a more honest manner that does not pretend that you know more than you do. Concentrate on what you KNOW to be fact.

"When he hurries his last service of the day and makes mistakes in the process, it makes me think that he does not care about the company's reputation with its clients."

Do that with each of the statements you created.

When you start to frame these perceptions into this more tentative form, you have the opportunity to add accuracy by noting the facts and your perception of them. Then, we can use this statement to open dialogue with your employee about his actions. Our goal is to open the door to honest communication, avoid the defense and start to address real challenges directly. We can likely turn the "He never listens" theme into something that allows you to set more appropriate boundaries and encourage more complete participation from him. With my wife, I move from applying a stereotype to curiosity. An attempt to discover the root of the frustration and address it directly. In my case, it was merely a matter of giving her time to write down the numbers. In your case, moving to a less combative approach will keep the conversation open, allowing you to discover the root cause of what you are experiencing. This small change to your communication will transform how you are received. You will avoid the trap that shuts people down and instead clear the way for trust through plain and clear talk.

Park Wiker

P.S. “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung